Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Raiding is easy

Is it?
The numbers are not on the side of the vitriol. My home realm of Area-52 has seen five guilds complete 14/14H mode...on either 25 or 10 man. FIVE!!!

Raiding is easy conceptually. During Vanilla and TBC raiding was much harder for a few reasons:

  • Tuning was much, much tighter
  • The larger raid size and more convoluted attunements made filling slots harder 
  • Internet connections were less stable
  • Our computers were less powerful
  • We were still new to all of this
  • The plethora of helpful sites did not exist
Blizzard finally realized that the strain was too much not just on the 1% of raiders but on their overhead for having to spend so much on the 1%. They are still trying to figure out the best formula for pleasing the majority of their population that numbers in the small country realm. Its hard to please them all.

I had a few ZW topics I wanted to post about but tonight's raid drained me. After the adrenaline and anger washed away I was truly tired.
You see the truth that no one wants to admit is that raiding is not easy. It is certainly easier now than ever but it is still not easy.
Raiding takes effort. This flash game will show you what that means.
On top of all of that I'm a fraud. One of the original topics was going to be on a statement I made to one of our junior raid leaders whom I am mentoring. I mentioned to him that an important part of leadership was the illusion of control when you actually sat within a morass of chaos.
I was going to talk about my life of insecurity and how the Army taught me to overcome that and I how I still to this day lead mainly on the false belief that I was control.
Well I'm not.
I've improved a massive amount in my raid awareness and ability to overcome known  weaknesses. I know well the dangers of falsely claiming expertise instead of admitting ignorance and have enough humility to ask others, those with more experience and knowledge for help. I've come a long way. I see all of those improvements and still I know how far behind I am when I hear statements like "Raiding is easy."
And then I realize I'm yelling at myself. If I had not of tunnel visioned on the add that I wanted dead my DPS could have been enough to push Nazgrim down that flight of 1% stairs.
As angry as I am with my raiders....I'm 100 times angrier at myself.
As much as I want them to be accountable for their actions and actively work to improve I hold myself accountable for their failings.
I could have led better. I could know more. I could heal with greater efficiency. I could be better and I should be better.
Insecurity is a hard thing for a young man to bear but for an adult it becomes soul crushing. Youth can at least blame the world but as an adult I have learned ownership and ownership haunts me.

I can hear you screaming "Its not your fault", "You're too hard on yourself.", "You did your best" and know all of that is true but you see there is a difference between the people who gladly show up each week or each night and are ready to have fun and those of us who volunteer and actively work to lead. We are a sadistic group who are happy to allow the followers to grab and claim all of the victories and yes we may spew upon you our frustrations and angers but what many of you never realize is those harsh words are directed inwards towards ourselves. Sure there are a few narcissists out there who take all the glory and truly mean it when they call you a shit bag but they aren't true leaders, they are more akin to cult leaders who drag people along behind them and don't give a shit about who falls behind.

I love raiding. I love the challenge, the emotion, the adrenaline. Having 14/14H on farm sounds awful to me. I like the work and the challenge. I like helping others improve.
But in the dark, alone, I feel like a complete fraud, a failure. And it is that insecurity that drives me harder to improve more than anything else.


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